Courtesy of Life Matters Journal. This poem was published, with an illustration, in Volume 4 Issue 3 — February 2016.
The Ghost in the Garbage Can
There’s a dumpster near my place
That smells bad
But it’s shorter to the 7-11.
When it’s dark
Misting a little
I hear a voice.
“I was small.
I was out of sight.
And I wasn’t very smart.”
It’s always the same.
“I was small –
Like our earth from a space probe.
Invisible –
Like your hopes when you’re deep asleep.
Not smart –
So what can I say?
“I wish – well –
If I had of been big
Like Serena Williams.
They wouldn’t have messed
With Serena Williams.”
It was fading.
“If I’d had some money…”
I rubbed the mist on my face
To come to my senses.
I always hear that voice in the garbage can.
That choice in the garbage can.
Acyutananda
28 April 2015
© 2015
What an intriguing poem. The ending is great and the Serena Williams comparison is brilliant, but the strong images get diluted in all those other verses.
You may have seen on my website that I like to play with other people’s writings, I thought I’d do that here – remove the beginning and cut from the monologue, so that what remains really packs a punch. Except the new beginning lacks a verse or two… I think if you did this yourself and end up with a more concise version of the poem, it would be something really good that preserved the meaning of the original. Here’s my attempt (again, incomplete and weak beginning):
There’s a dumpster near my place
That has a voice inside it.
“I was small –
Like earth from a space probe.
I was out of sight –
Like hope is when you’re asleep.
I wasn’t smart.“
“I wish I had been big
Like Serena Williams.
They wouldn’t have messed
With Serena Williams.“
“I wish I had some money…”
I rubbed the mist on my face
To come to my senses.
I always hear that voice in the garbage can.
That choice in the garbage can.
I hope this doesn’t offend you, I like playing with words and it’s the easiest way for me to have a new pro-life piece to read (there is nothing new at the moment, even my newsletter will only have poems by children, since it’s the 1st of June).
I’m glad you found something in the poem, and am certainly not offended. I had felt myself that the opening was pretty pedestrian, but didn’t know what to do about it. I’m encouraged to think we could end up with something that really packs a punch. But you seem to have some vision at least of the direction to take it in, and I haven’t yet internalized that direction. It’s very late now where I am, let me see if anything comes to me in the morning.
I’m not sure why you call your present draft incomplete. It seems to retain everything essential from my version, in fewer words. But I agree that with either your version or mine, there’s room for improvement at the beginning. Or rather, there’s a sense of room for improvement. We won’t know for sure if the improvement was possible till it crystalizes.
If we can come up with something, I wouldn’t throw out my existing version, if only because it’s appeared in Life Matters Journal. Since I have an indulgent publisher (myself), I can just publish both versions.
“I wish I had some money…”
I think “I’d had” is needed here.
I think the last verse benefits a little if the mist has already been mentioned earlier.
Far be it from me to say you should delete anything. No, I would just really like it if I could share the new version, maybe even post it on Pro-Life Poetry, since it’s a collaborative work (I can only post links to other people’s poems because of copyright issues).
You’re right about the verb, of course. I was thinking of something else. I disagree about the mist because I think that image coming out of nowhere makes a stronger impression. On the other hand, I cut too much from the beginning. The poem needs that landscape you created in the beginning so I went back to it and added symmetry by replacing the word garbage can at the end with dumpster. Take a look:
The Ghost in the Garbage
There was a voice in a dumpster
Near my place
On the shortest way to the 7-11.
“I was small –
Like the earth from a space probe.
I was out of sight –
Like hope is when you fall asleep.
I wasn’t smart.
I wish I had been big
Like Serena Williams.
They wouldn’t have messed
With Serena Williams.
I wish I’d had some money
To buy myself a home.”
The voice stopped and the dark
Was just the dark again.
I rubbed the mist on my face
To come to my senses.
I always hear that voice
In the garbage.
That choice inside a dumpster.
Thanks, collaboration is fun. It’s great that you’ve stayed engaged with this.
I would be happy for you to share this new version as a collaboration, or better yet post it on Pro-Life Poetry, and you’re welcome to do that if you so decide after hearing me out, but first . . .
The main thing I would like you to hear me out about is “To buy myself a home.” That works in the present poem, but gives the poem a slightly different direction than I had in mind. In what I had in mind (whether or not it came across), money was closely associated with “They wouldn’t have messed.” People don’t mess with people who are physically big, and smart, and have money. “I wish I’d had money / To buy some senators” is actually more the kind of thing I had in mind, though I don’t really suggest that (or do I? hmm . . . I’m getting interested . . . please think about that for just a minute).
The feature of abortion that makes me most emotional is the injustice of it in terms of an unequal power relation. Might makes right always upsets me.
But as I say, if you decide to go with “home,” that’s fine. Maybe if the use for the money is specified, “some” before “money” is not necessary.
My only other suggestion would be “Like hope is once you fall asleep.”
Okay, I now leave it in your capable hands!
Ohhh… now I get it! I thought the money was about not ending in a dumpster as in not being homeless and not being abandoned for financial reasons. Power rapport with the mother. But you meant the law, which makes more sense. Let’s think. Can’t buy Supreme Court judges, but law is about rights, so how about buying himself rights? Because the rights of poor and powerless humans are ignored. And say “the money” like you suggested:
“I wish I’d had the money
To buy myself some rights.”
The hope verse sounds indeed better with “once”. I need to perfect my English.
“I wish I’d had the money
To buy myself some rights.”
Yes, that’s great. With or without “the.” I’ll leave it up to you.
But now one more thing occurs to me:
The voice stopped and the dark
Was just the dark again.
I rubbed the mist on my face
To come to my senses.
I always hear that voice
In the garbage.
That choice inside a dumpster.
What would you think of removing the separation and making it one verse, so that “come to my senses” is more closely associated with, or rather contrasted to, the idea of hearing a voice? Again, I’ll leave it up to you.